JOKE OF THE DAY

Discussion in 'Rant and Dribble *NSFW*' started by PHANTOM, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    CATHOLIC HORSES
    A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

    He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

    Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.





    Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.


    The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.





    Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
    He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
    He bet big on it, and it won.





    As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
    The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the
    Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ...
    True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

    This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.





    The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
    He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.





    In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
    Confonting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
    All day long you blessed horses and they all won.





    Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.





    Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

    The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.










    "You are not Catholic are you my son?"
    "No, I'm Jewish"
    "That's the problem", said the Priest,





    "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".





  2. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    Sneezing!















    A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.










    The man went back to his reading.










    A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.










    Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.










    Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"










    "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."










    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"










    The woman nodded, "Pepper."
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  3. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    The world is definitely becoming dumber!!!!










    Number One.

    "I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane . Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and,at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".


    Number Two.

    Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.


    Number Three.

    A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the Harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
    He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland.

    Happened in Brisbane ....


    Number Four.

    A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused andsaid, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
    The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
    The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
    The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.


    Number Five.

    A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
    Happened in Adelaide


    Number Six.

    A guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his
    head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.
    Happened in Perth.


    Number Seven.

    A teen-age lass went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg."
    Happened in Surfer's Paradise .....


    Number Eight.

    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
    Happened in Melbourne ....


    Number Nine.

    "When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side..'"
    Happened at the FORD dealership Dubbo
  4. gazzar
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    gazzar Member

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    A muslim man was shot with a starting pistol yesterday, police are convinced it was race related
  5. JR
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    JR Staff Member Administrator Supporter

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    A girl asks her boyfriend to come overFriday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your Father was THE Pharmacist.!"
  6. CeeBee61
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    CeeBee61

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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  7. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    Two good old boys, Mick and Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals
    Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
    "But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.
    "We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
    "But we're privates," says Paddy.
    "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
    So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
    "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up.
    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"
    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now."
  8. cruiser_bloke
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    cruiser_bloke Member

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    I was wondering where that was heading.
  9. cruiser_bloke
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    cruiser_bloke Member

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    An Army Major goes into a local brothel in Thailand and asks the Madam, "How much for my company?"

    The Madam replies, "For your company, $40."

    The Major opens the door and yells, "Company, Attention.......Quick March."
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  10. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    Italian funeral procession


    A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed
    a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
    A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the
    first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on
    a leash.
    Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
    The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
    He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so
    sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never
    seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
    "My wife's."
    ''What happened to her?"
    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
    My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
    A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and
    silence passed between the two men.'
    The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
    The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."
  11. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
    On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.
    A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
    The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
    The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
    She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
    that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
    Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel
    eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her
    Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
    He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
    Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
    'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.
    'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
    'You must be new.' answered the hairy man,
    'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
    The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench
    and had his way with the newcomer.
    The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling,
    naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
    'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
    and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
    'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
    'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a week,
    but I fart 5 times a day.
    I'm outta here.'
  12. JR
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    JR Staff Member Administrator Supporter

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    Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming pools have announced
    they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
  13. cruiser_bloke
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    cruiser_bloke Member

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    And they kick all the people out when it rains. They don't want them getting wet.
  14. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and
    is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
    He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the
    pre-season.

    Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10
    minutes left.

    The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a
    sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

    The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media
    are in love with the new star

    When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his
    first day of AFL.

    'Hello mum, guess what?' he says, 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6
    goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans,
    the media...'

    Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
    shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten,
    and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having
    such great time.'

    The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

    'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to
    Collingwood in the first place!'
  15. JR
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    JR Staff Member Administrator Supporter

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    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through
    her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and
    a police woman's uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job,
    she's not for him.
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  16. JR
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    JR Staff Member Administrator Supporter

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    After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
    the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
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  17. gazzar
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    gazzar Member

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    Husband Down
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
    The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
    'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    ˜ What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
    'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

    HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
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  18. gazzar
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    gazzar Member

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    A new phenomenon called
    E-MOONING
    We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

    [​IMG] means a smile and

    [​IMG] is a frown.


    Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
    Here goes:


    (_!_) a regular arse


    (__!__) a fat arse


    (!) a tight arse


    (_*_) an arse hole


    {_!_} a swishy arse


    (_o_) an arse that's been around



    (_x_) kiss my arse

    (_X_) leave my arse alone

    (_zzz_) a tired arse

    (_E=mc2_) a smart arse

    (_$_) Money coming out of his arse

    (_?_) Dumb Arse
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  19. gazzar
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    gazzar Member

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    A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she
    needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
    questions."
    He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"
    "I'm a prostitute," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase
    that."
    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work.
    Try again."
    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry
    farmer."
    The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a
    prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
    "Poultry Farmer it is."
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  20. PHANTOM
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    PHANTOM

    police report POLICE REPORT.jpg
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