Discussion in 'Rant and Dribble *NSFW*' started by PHANTOM, Feb 2, 2015.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour was asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but I must warn you before you see him that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
Paddy goes into his local pub and asks for 10 Shots of Whiskey.
The Barman asks, "Hey Paddy. Sumting the matter"..???
Paddy replies, "Well, I only just found out my Brother is Gay, and he's marrying Mick, my best friend."
The following day, Paddy comes into the pub again, and orders 12 Shots of Whiskey.
The Barman asks him, "What's wrong this time Paddy"..???
Paddy says, "I just found out my bloody Son is Gay as well, and him being Priest an all."
The next day he returns again, and orders 15 Shots of Whiskey.
The Barman says, "Bejeezus Paddy . . doesn't anyone in your Family, like Women at all"..??
Paddy looks at him despondently and says,
"Well, it now seems, my Wife does"..
The wife ran over my bike with her car the other day, apparently it's my fault for leaving it in the shed!
My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters.... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
Will they be popular??
Remains to be seen.
A Chinese woman goes to a bank to exchange some yen for some dollars.
When the teller gives her the US dollars she counts it and says, "why you give me less dolla for the same amount of yen I gave you yesterday?
The teller says, "Fluctuations!"
The Chinese lady's eyes grow big and round and she says, "Well fluc you white people too!"
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.